So I have been wanting to write about my pregnancy story for a while now. But just didn't have the courage or time. this draft has been lying with me, incomplete for over 2 years. Today is the day I thought. Anyway here goes.
4 years back, a little bean was conceived. It was our first child, the first grandchild for both our families so everyone was elated! Wishes poured in, blessings were sent, temples were visited and a lot of advice rolled in too! The little bean went to survive in me and the big bad world for no longer that 4 -5 weeks, which is my best guess. At week 6 she was nowhere to be seen. It broke us, shattered me and made me only want it more. We didn't know the reason why, whether it was something I did or it was completely natural, (which is what I've been told a million times after).
You may also like: Miscarriage and what happened when it happened to me
Many things happened in the coming 2 years -- we moved cities, left a part of our lives back in Mumbai, built a new world in Gurgaon and were lucky to find old friends who became our extended family and support in this concrete jungle.
You may also like: Worrying symptoms to watch for in your first trimester
While time to time we would worry and think about our angel baby and how there was no sign of it, we continued doing research, visited doctors and spent a lot of money and blood (literally) in inane tests and treatments. We had a regular monthly visit to the OB/GYN, ultrasounds rituals had become as much a part of our lives and had taken over the lazy weekends and mad parties with friends. While the hospital visits had driven me up the wall, I was going on a follicular study every month. Which is literally an ultrasound 4 days of every month to monitor the follicles and eggs in my ovaries so we could nail it (literally) when the conditions were ripe. This went on for about 6 months. I was sick of the ultrasound machine, the gel, the ceiling that I would stare at blankly, the hospital smell. everything! We even considered IVF at one point. But as you can already imagine this wasn't going anywhere and there was actually NOTHING wrong with my body. but it was just not meant to be I guess.
You may also like: What this mom went through to have a baby
C was keeping calm as he usually does and was a strong backbone throughout. Our families were a true gem, they didn't put any pressure on us and were only concerned about our health.
I decided to take a break. I had had enough of going through tests and treatments and not finding anything wrong with either of us. Everyone would just say - keep calm, give it time. Don't stress. Easier said than done I would think. So March 2014 (exactly 2 years after I conceived the last time), I stopped all my medication and hormonal support and told my Doc I won't be visiting her for a month, I needed a break. She was more than supportive and life went as usual.
It was Saturday and I had invited a few friends over for dinner. C was out for some work and I was home alone. Guests would arrive any minute. So I went to the bathroom to get ready. I realised my period was delayed by a few days. The pregnancy test kit was right in front of me in my drawer. "No Vani you have done this a million times and it only leaves you disappointed. Don't even think about it." I told myself. But Hope got the better of me. So what if it is negative for the 100th time, I'm used to it. At least I'll know and I won't think about it anymore. Then I did it. Braced myself. Are those two pink lines? Am I hallucinating? But I didn't even take my medication this month. This can't be happening. Let me do it again. Did another one. Again the two pink lines gleamed. I literally froze, my hands and legs were shaking from excitement, nervousness, fear and...so many more emotions.
You may also like: How to find out you are pregnant even before a blood test
I called my husband the next second and told him that I just did the test and he could guess from my voice. This time I was not crying from disappointment, this time I was crying with pure joy. Told him to come back home immediately. Next, I called up my best friend P who literally was jumping on the other side of the phone, drove at breakneck speed and arrived even before C did. She immediately rushed to my bathroom to first confirm the tests as any best friend would! She thought I was probably hallucinating. Deep in my heart even I wanted someone else to confirm this for me as I wasn't sure about anything anymore.
What 2 years of tests, injections and pills couldn't do, happened only when I decided to give my body a break and my brain some peace. I only hope my story can bring some respite or relief to some woman somewhere reading this and going through the same. I would like you to remember that:
Today, I have a healthy 2-year-old chatterbox of a son and even if I try really hard I just cannot remember how I truly felt in all those trying times and the 2 years we spent in despair and frustration. I guess everyone was right after all. Keep calm and give it time!
Image courtesy: www.dailymail.uk