Working parents in Mumbai (and I suspect in most of urban India), play for either of these two teams:- (i) The Daycarers; or (ii) The Nannyites.
Some couples though may have added nuances to their affiliations. Like for instance, a bit of both. But deep inside, I firmly believe that each parent can subscribe only to one school of thought, and when tested in moments of grave provocation, end up showing their true colours.
Care to find out which one you are? Just take my quiz below.
You may also like: 10 questions to ask before you choose a babysitter
Disclaimers: This quiz cannot be taken by people who have daycares at their offices. Your life is unnaturally perfect and I don’t want you here.
Expectant parents are also free to take this quiz. It is the easiest way to start a quarrel with your spouse and also cracks through your rose-tinted baby-love glasses, quite nicely.
Q. 1. How late do you and your spouse work?
(a) We have Cinderella timings. The clock strikes 6 and we are free birds, flapping our way home.
(b) No visibility. We are martyrs to our bosses and our clients. Our neighbours actually think we are doctors, finishing our residency in a government hospital.
(c) One of us is on flexi-time and the other one is the slave. (high-five to you girl, if you’re the former)
(d) Work? You mean, you and your spouse actually go to work every day? No family business? Ei ma.
Q.2 Do you travel a lot on work?
(a) Nope. Same place, every day, all the time.
(b) Yup. I clock more on JP Miles than on time with spouse or baby.
(c) One of us travels and the other one stays put.
(d) Travel, yes. Work, no. What is this work thing you are going on and on about?
Q.3 How far is your workplace from your home?
(a) Just 20 minutes away, against the traffic. I literally fly home.
(b) Stupid question, if you live in Mumbai. I commute for around an hour and a half, one way.
(c) Quite far, but one of us usually works from home.
(d) Ok, you’re boring me now. Stop. with. the. work. stuff. already!!
Q.4. Do you enjoy the Grandparent Babysitter model and delude yourself into believing that it’s all love and no work?
(a) That’s a rude, leading question. It IS love that keeps them here for my child.
(b) Actually, I believe it. But my parents don’t.
(c) My parents are retired and have moved to the hills. They now run a B & B in a Tibetan refugee colony.
(d) I live in a gigantic joint family, teeming with multiple sets of grandparents. So when Love tires into Work after a few hours, my baby moves to the next set and becomes Love again.
Q.5 How would you describe your ideal weekend?
(a) Eat some takeaway, watch TV shows that are periodically interrupted by wailing baby tantrums. While we are on this, what finally happened to Don Draper?
(b) Plan a fun Saturday brunch. Just before leaving, have a huge squabble with precocious household help. Then sulk at the restaurant, get drunk and lament over the curse of being a working mom.
(c) Go out for lunch with the toddler. The more noise she makes at a restaurant, the happier you are. Causing grave embarrassment and inconvenience to parents and fellow diners is an important part of any childhood.
(d) Go to mummy’s house for lunch, then Zumba class, then girls’ night out in new Swarovski dress with all your bhabhis.
Q.6 How particular are you about your privacy?
(a) Very. I am a stickler for who can enter my bedroom, even if its just to leave a fresh set of towels.
(b) I don’t care too much. Only hate the porous walls when we’re quarrelling or when we need to shush up and tame down the sex.
(c) Hello, I don’t even have a Facebook profile.
(d) Only when I am bitching about my mother in law.
Q.7 Who is your favourite type of bully/blackmailer?
(a) A haughty, patronizing woman who sighs, raises her brows and purses her lips when you are running late.
(b) A haughty, patronizing household help who makes loud, snarky comments about your late hours and short skirts and slurps up her tea.
(c) A haughty, patronizing cook who argues with you about recipes, salaries, workload- every goddamn thing.
(d) Your mother in law.
Q.8. How crazy does your child act at birthday parties?
(a) Prone to occasional bouts of tears and fits of anger. Other than that, an angel.
(b) Tries to burst all the balloons in the venue. Runs around in circles, eventually, throws up and then wants to binge on the noodles.
(c) Our birthdays are usually spent in Goa or Shimla. Still a party but just not like yours.
(d) Tries to hit the puppet show lady, throws a tantrum when he sees the birthday kid cutting the cake and stomps his adorable little Baby Nikes until I log onto Amazon and buy him an Apple Watch.
Q.9. How would you describe your child?
(a) Someone who is social and loves being around other kids. Is disciplined, but keeps falling ill.
(b) Someone who is a homebody who loves to sleep and eat but is a spoilt brat, used to getting his own way.
(c) Someone who loves the outdoors and plays by himself and has never heard Lungi Dance.
(d) My mini Sallu, I love you.
Q.10. Which of these people do you aspire to be?
(a) A crazy, harrowed mum who works like Small Wonder all day, has a rushed lunch and starts twitching as soon as the clock strikes 6 pm.
(b) A crazy harrowed mum who works like Small Wonder all day, has a rushed lunch and a with-or-without-you relationship with her maid, nurturing a simmering, silent jealousy.
(c) Not laughing all the way to the bank, a little tired of watching the budget sometimes, but real-wala happy most of the time.
(d) What’s “aspire”??? The farthest I have thought is until next Diwali’s Mata ki Chowki.
You may also like: A guide to why nannies are fast becoming our must-have asset!
You may also like: Tips on choosing the best daycare for your child
This post initially appeared on the author's blog Where is my Mommy Going, and has been edited and adapted for the purposes of Kidsstoppress.