Planning A Baby This Year? Read This First

Wouldn’t having a child turn my balanced life upside down? This mom weighs in the factors that decide if you are ready to have a baby.
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I knew I wanted to be a Mom. After all, I couldn’t imagine being 80 and not having had children. But did I want to do it now?

What about the upcoming promotion I had to work towards? What about that off-beat trip I thought we’d finally take this year? What about the money we’d saved to upgrade the car?

After years of entrance exams, job interviews, reviews and appraisals, I’d finally built myself the life that I wanted. I lived well, went out often, exercised regularly, vacationed abroad and travelled locally, spent time with family and friends. Wouldn’t having a child turn my balanced life upside down? Me – the planner and the organizer – wasn’t looking forward to the loss of control that accompanied a newborn.

To make the decision about it in my mind, I went about it the way I know how – with a list of pros and cons, by defining criteria and seeing how things stacked up against each. Now that I’m on the other side – my daughter now 5 months old – here’s what I know.  

You can’t sit with a checklist and feel ready to be a parent. 

As Alison Gopnik articulates this well in her book 'The Gardener and the Carpenter',

“In the modern world, we assume that we can decide whether to have children based on what we think the experience of having a child will be like. The trouble is that there is no way to really know what having a child is like until you actually have one.”

Going a step further, she says, “What if making the decision turns me into a different person with different values? Once I commit myself to a child, I’m literally not the same person I was before. The person I am before I have children will have to make a decision for the person I will be afterward. Deciding whether to have children isn’t just a matter of deciding what you want. It means deciding who you are going to be.”

“The answer then”, she says, “is that there is no simple answer. The best we can do is muddle through and make the best decision we can given the particular context. There is no decision that is the best in some absolute way, and we need to accept both the guilt and regret, and the consolations, that will follow from this.”

Discuss with your partner:

Your partner needs to feel ready as you do. Be patient with them while they get there. Having a child transforms a couple into a family. You will be a team that shares decisions and duties about this little life.

You want to build this partnership on good communication, solid understanding, and dollops of patience.

Now, is a good time to talk things through, give each other time, so both of you walk into parenthood as a solid team – on the same page and with good communication rapport to handle the roller coaster coming up.

Financial plans that need to be made:

Financial sufficiency is a hygiene factor. Not having this in place will add a layer of stress to everything else. An addition to the family adds expenses in several ways – from doctor visits (pregnancy, childbirth and pediatric care), to things for the baby (clothes, toys, education and more), to other upgrades necessitated (bigger car, bigger house et al). When you are planning to start a family, it’s worth the time to list out the anticipated the expenses – both immediate and long term – and plan for how each will get addressed. You’ll want to understand and use the relevant policies available at your workplace and offered by the government. You’ll also want to start SIPs or recurring deposits to put aside funds required.

 Physical fitness is the key:

You need to start working on your physical fitness the moment you start thinking of starting a family.

Start working on your physical strength when you begin thinking of starting a family – it’ll help you get pregnant, stay pregnant and take care of your baby. “(Make) long-lasting improvements to your diet, exercise, activity and lifestyle. No shortcuts here; the plan has to be something that is long term, irreversible almost.,” says Rujuta Diwekar in her book Pregnancy Notes. “We obsess about what to eat once pregnant, or what we should do to lose weight post-partum, but pay very little attention (to our fitness) before we get pregnant – and that is really the game-changer.”

So invest in your health now – with proper nutrition, an exercise of minimum 150 minutes a week and adequate sleep – and you’ll be thankful for it during labour and in those sleep-deprived, topsy turvy days afterwards.

The impact on career:

Worried about the impact on your career? You need clarity on what you want, think long term and focus on things in your control.

For me one of the toughest things to reconcile with about having a baby was its possible impact on my career. If I thought about it purely in the short term – about my rating for the year or a possible delay in the promotion I was working towards – ‘now’ never seemed like a good time.

What I realized I had to do – and what eventually worked for me – was to have more clarity about what I wanted in the long term. I defined where I wanted to be in 5 years – of everything I wanted to do in that time. Then, I reduced my focus on things not in my control – say a rating or appraisal – and focused instead things that were: finishing a project ahead of time, staying connected with mentors, doing that online course to build my skill set. This way I was able to move the needle on my career in a meaningful way; even while I paced things with pregnancy and maternity break. Having this clarity in my head- of things I could do while being pregnant/post-partum to build towards my long term goals – gave me a peace of mind even when not everything moved the way I’d hoped.

So, I am saying: 

You can’t sit with a checklist and feel ready to be a parent. Being a parent is a journey that lasts a lifetime and you will have to take it as it comes. All you can do is build clarity around your basics – your health, your and your partner’s emotional readiness, your financial planning and career clarity. Cover them enough that you feel ready to start the journey and ready to sign up for both the planned and unplanned events along the way.

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